Wednesday, May 13, 2015

#DBlogWeek Day Three: Clean It Out

Yesterday we kept stuff in, so today let's clear stuff out.  What is in your diabetic closet that needs to be cleaned out?  This can be an actual physical belonging, or it can be something you're mentally or emotionally hanging on to.  Why are you keeping it and why do you need to get rid of it? 

I'm sitting on my bed surrounded by a shopping bag filled with shorts from J.Crew, my viola lesson books, and my AP Calculus binder writing the prompt for #DBlogWeek three days late. I never promised I would be on time, did I? Even if I did, I'd probably still be late. So why have I decided to even start writing for a prompt due two days ago? Frankly, I'm in desperate need of TLC from the DOC. I've been running high every day for the last few months and I just don't seem to care. It doesn't help that I've been sans CGM for the same amount of time, but that's still no excuse. Anna got her t:slim a few weeks ago and I'm trying not to be, but I am completely jealous. She had to work so hard to get her pump and her A1C was lower than mine when we went to the endo last and I feel like a failure because here is my 13 year old sister who has been diabetic for four years dealing with her diabetes better than I am. I'm supposed to be a great role model and positive when in reality I'm over here eating three cookies and forgetting to cover them and/or just not caring enough to cover them at all. 

This all started because I read some blog about how the healthy habits of type 1 diabetics are the same as the habits of people with eating disorders and considering the fact that in seventh grade I spent a good portion of my time not eating for vast expanses of time because I thought I was overweight and ugly and worthless made me equate healthy diabetes to unhealthy eating, so now I'm here supposed to be writing some blog about how I can do everything I want with diabetes even though I'm just writing about all of the things I do wrong, so that's just great. 

I'm not one to incessantly complain about my diabetes because I hate it when all someone does is talk about how miserable his or her life is because of diabetes, but I'm just sick of it all today. My positive 'diabetes doesn't ruin my day' facade is not going to work because I'm honestly experiencing the worst diabetes burnout of my life. I'm miserable with high headaches and feel low when I'm in the 80's and 90's because I'm high so often and sometimes I spend too much time thinking about the fact that my feet might be trash by the time I'm in my 50's or 60's and how my whole body might shut down and I might be absolutely miserable before I die. Normal teenage stuff, right? 

Have I ever talked about how when I get home I probably eat 100 carbs worth of snack food and I just don't care? Or how when I was in elementary or middle school I ate an entire bottle of glucose tabs? Yeah I don't think so. Because those are things I don't like to talk about. I don't like being the weak one and complaining, but if anyone else on this whole entire would understand any of that, it would be the DOC. So here I am cleaning out my metaphorical closet because I don't want to carry this anymore.

Do you feed off of the thoughts of other diabetics like yourself or are you just interested in reading more about cleaning physical and metaphorical trash out of people's lives? If so, here is the link for today's #DBlogWeek post.

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